New Blog New Life

You can find my new blog here

Thanks guys

Scared of moving cars

I've developed a fear of cars that I can hear drive by but can't see.

I'm out having a coffee with my babies.

Baby, sugar and commentaries.

Hey,

Sorry for not posting as often as I used to; my time is taken up caring for my little man.
He came home on the afternoon of the 6th December.
Being a dad is great so far, although its upsetting to see him cry when I change him.

I'm suffering with terrible sugar cravings and I'm putting weight on (this problem isn't helped by the fact
that I have to take silly medication).

The voices are a lot better, they only talk to me when I'm on my own for he most part.
They're becoming easier to deal with on the whole but sometimes when they get a little intense its
a shock to the system and they seem a lot worse than they actually are.

I had another appointment with the psychiatrist and he seemed to think I'm making progress
so I'm hanging on to that and working towards further improvement.

Thanks for reading and leaving comments.

Krishna

Apology for lack of posts

Hi everybody,

Just a quick message to let you all know that my partner gave birth to our son on 4th December, 10:45am.

Misha Gray was 5lb 15oz, healthy and is showing all the signs of a strong start to life.

I'll write about my mental health side of things soon; I'm pretty sure it will be an interesting read.

Thanks for reading and being patient.

Medication Increase

I went to see the Doctor and he has increased my anti-psychotic medication from 300mg on a night to 800mg on a night! That's a 167% increase!

It was one of the stranger sessions I've had - I was asked to look at an image and describe what I saw and was also asked to 'write a sentence'; write a sentence? What the hell!

Well, I'm suffering from fatigue today, that's the newest development, I still have everything else on top though.

Thanks for reading.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Bad couple of days

Ended up at A&E last night and it was nothing but a massive waste of time; the crisis team were useless.

I'll admit to not taking my medication and I agree now that it was a bad decision.
Tonight is the night I start to get back on track so I took it.

I never realised how quickly things can progress from bad to worse but now I know and I want to get away from this as quick as I came into to.

I have a very supporting family and I owe them everything.

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist (never met him/her before) tomorrow so I'll keep you posted about what's going on.

Thank you for your responses and I hope my absences don't put you off reading.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Things can only get better

I think not; things are getting much worse.
My world is collapsing.

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Thank you for your kind words

Just a quick thank you to those of you who have commented on my blog.

I'm really pleased to hear from you and the kind words make everything
easier.

Love & Light

Demon In The Shower

This morning was a BAAAAAAD time.

I was showering and I sensed something behind me; when I turned there was a foggy humanoid
creature with matted hair. The thing what freaked me out most is the feel of the creature and the
noises it was making; high pitched screams and then every so often a really deep sharp roar.

When I asked the creature (demon) to speak to me all it did was scream more. I decided to
feel it and when I did i got tangled in the matted mess and it made my hands transform.

It's scaring me to write about it now; I really hope I don't have to encounter it again.

This afternoon I was visited at home by a psychiatric nurse from the community mental health team.
Unfortunately my psychiatrist has left the unit I see so next time I go to my outpatients appointment
I will be seeing a different one......OH OH.

Well I hope you're all OK.

Once again thanks for reading and I'll write again soon.

Back at home

Hello all,

Sorry it's been a while since I last posted. I was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday so I've been trying to get myself settled back in at home.

I'm now trying to decide whether I should carry on with this blog or start a new one focusing on my experiences at home.

Since being back at home I've been victim to some disturbing experiences and I think they could make for some interesting reading and also help me to get them off my chest to relieve some of the pressure.

I hope you can continue to read/relate/enjoy the posts I make and find some comfort in knowing that things can get better and there is hope.

Thanks

Krishna

Discharge

I'm waiting to see the doctor at 3. I'm hoping that he will discharge me today as I really want to get home.

The worst that could happen would be more leave and then discharge next week.
I'm just bored of being here and want to spend time at home with my family.

Fingers crossed I'll be sleeping in my own bed again tonight.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Back on the inside

Hey

Well I'm back in the hospital; came in yesterday evening.

Not a lot has been going on really, although the people on the ward have changed. There are lots of new patients.

I've included a picture of what it called the 'lounge'.
I had a weird nights sleep yesterday, I woke up fully clothed in the night so I it is right to say I must have just fallen asleep without meaning to.

Its safe to say I'm not happy about being back, I want to be back at home to stay; leave makes things worse because it acts as a refresher to the things I'm missing.

Well, I'll try to get a more interesting post at some point today.

Back to the hospital today

So I've been home since Friday afternoon and now its drawing close to my return time.

Yesterday was a difficult day regarding my experiences; not to mention a good hour of
it was spent in the company of about 60 practically silent people trying to learn how
to control their minds using meditation.

I can feel myself slipping again and I'm starting to wonder whether Seroquel is the medication
for me or whether it needs to be looked at.

I keep having terrible visions, they're really disturbing.

Thanks again for reading

Home on leave

I'm on leave from the hospital until Monday.
I came home last night and spent the first night in three weeks in my own bed.
The normality is a shock but I'm enjoying my time at home so far.

I'm going to spend my time at home catching up on some Uni work and hopefully
find some time to see my friend.

Not much is going on to tell you about really. I had a bit of a hard time in the shop
yesterday when Tammy and me went to buy some sweets.
I was really paranoid about people watching me and getting inside my head to change
my thought patterns.

My Mum and Dad bought me an advent calendar yesterday (I'm a big kid) so I saw them
for 10 minutes when they dropped it off.

If anything of interest happens I'll let you know.

Thanks for reading

Excited

Hey guys

A little late i know. I'm going home on weekend leave tomorrow and so I'm too excited to sleep.

Me and Tammy are starting to get a hospital bag ready this weekend for when she goes into labour.

The only thing about going home is that you have to take everything with you. After packing this evening it became quite apparent just how much 'stuff' I have managed to accumulate since being admitted here; check the image.

Hopefully you'll be asleep and won't read this until morning.
Fingers crossed I drop off soon too.

Thanks

View

This is the view from my bedroom. The buildings you can see are the newly built general hospital (a wonderful building).

Enjoy

Sorry for not posting

Hi

I'd like to start this post by apologising for not posting as often as I said I would.
I'm sure you can understand that things can become a little difficult in hospital.

I'm experiencing some strange feelings about my existence and how insignificant I am.
I am constantly comparing my sense of self to a placebo (sugar pill) in that I am only here to lead people into believing l make some sort of a difference to their lives.
I am a void in space and time, torn from what is widely accepted as matter. Not a gap, but a hole in the shape of the self.

Enough about that. I want to talk more about my life as a patient.
The hospital staff are wonderful here. Its so easy to become upset in the heat of the moment such as when I am denied PRN medication (irregular medication that is given if it is needed) but their decisions are always good ones; I suppose that's why they're in the job.

I plan to write my piece out for Mind Charity today (guest spot in their blog) so when I find out about publication I'll let you know.

May I ask something of you?
I'd like to hear from you, questions, things you'd like me to include.

The mental plans for my book are finally starting to take shape and so will soon be written down as a guide for producing a first draft.
I'm excited to start the project.

I hope you are all well and enjoying your day.

Again, I am sorry for not posting as often as I said and I'll try to rectify the problem.

Thanks for reading.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Ward Round

Ward round is the one day a week that each patient is seen and reviewed by the hospital psychiatrist; I saw him today.
During the review it was decided that I would be eligible to go home on leave for the weekend so on Friday I'll be packing my things and going home until Monday.
I'm quite looking forward to it, I'll be going to the Buddhist meditation class on Sunday too.
The weekend will give me time to catch up on my university work which will relieve some of the pressure that looms.

Prior to the ward round I was at home. I used my time to get a shower in my own house, play on my new Box game and spend some quality time with Tammy.
Today was the first time I've driven in over two weeks so that was nice.

Upon returning to the ward the voices I hear became very disturbing and made things really difficult; not having a good evening I'm afraid.

I finished my book today so now I'm on a book about Maths (its a fun layman's book) which brings my completed book list up to 3 and a half.

I'm going to try and do some writing now.

I hope you're all well

Good News

Hello all,

My plans changed again. I did go into town but I ended up just having a wander around the new shopping centre with a friend from the ward.

I bought another two books (Sainsbury's have a good deal on) so I've still got plenty of literature to get through.

The good news: Mind charity have asked me to do a piece of writing for them about crisis/acute care in the mental health system. They want it by Friday ready for publishing on the 29th so keep an eye out for that.

Just had a nice dinner. The hospital are providing special vegan meals for me. Lentil curry today.

Had an interview earlier with two medical students and I must say that it was a pleasure, I hope I helped.

That's about all there is to say at the moment; if things change I'll keep you posted.

Cheers
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Morning all

I found it really hard to wake up this morning; four times they knocked on my door to get me up for my medication.

As far as plans go for today, all I know is that my friend should be coming sometime today so that we can go for a walk into town; maybe we could visit the Hepworth gallery, a bit of culture will probably do me good.

I'm on with my new book now, something a little lighter than my last endeavour.

That's what I'll do; some work on my University assessment. It doesn't seem too complicated.

I'll keep you posted if anything changes.

Here's an image of my present reading material.

Thanks

String Theorist; I Think

13th November 2011

Rudely awoken for medication.
Skipped breakfast.
Read a chapter of my book.
Picked up by Tammy (My partner).
Went home.
Played Frustration.
Shaved.
Bathed.
Ate Sunday lunch (Vegetarian).
Had a nap.
Played guitar.
Skipped dinner.
Came back to hospital.
Said hello to everybody.
Developed a theory behind the secrets of human life.
Read more of my book.
Had evening medication.
Finished my book.
Blogged.

Today has been a very surreal day. So much seems to have happened and I lack the details of my activities.

I have developed a very interesting theory regarding the secrets of the human life so if you happen to be one of the rare scientists who is sympathetic to faith I would love to hear from you.
I won't go into detail here as I really think I'm on to something.

Life on the ward is good. I'm nicely settled in now and I think things might be taking a turn in the direction of recovery.

I keep having experiences in which I believe myself to be a placebo: put on Earth as an empty vessel to have people believe I am making a difference to their lives. Its a heavy burden to carry.

Hope you're all ok.

Thanks

All in all

Today has been a strange day. I say this because of the feelings I've been experiencing.
Unfortunately I'm not going to explore it tonight, it will have to wait until tomorrow.

What I will say is the whilst reading about the arcane world of string theory I developed a very strange sense of self which I will try to describe to you tomorrow.

I hope you have all had a good day & I'll write again in the evening.

I've included an image for you to think about. It has meaning.

Thanks

Surprise!

Upon my return to the ward I was asked to change room.
It was an easy task but I could have done without it to be quite honest.

My laptop has come in useful today.
I am using it to charge Mel's iPod shuffle covertly.
I say this as I am technically not allowed a laptop on the ward so sshhhhh.... Don't tell anybody.

I hope you're having a day

Rations

Just been to the petrol station/garage.

I bought my supplies so I'm good for a few more days.

Back onto the ward now. Was a nice relaxing drive out.

Thanks Sarah (Mel's mate)
Cheers

Chris Bowen's

Glamour

I'm not going out with my friend now; something came up so he can't make it.

I've included an image depicting the beauty of the wards courtyard.

I'm getting annoyed. I'm not tired enough to sleep but I'm struggling to keep reading; its a terrible situation. To be in.

Cheers guys

Day leave

I've arranged to spend some time out today and then all day Sunday at home.
I've just done my offerings (I'm a buddhist) and now I'm ready to go.
All there's to do now is wait for my friend to arrive.

Plans change

I was planning to spend a couple of nights off the ward starting today but I've had to put the breaks on.
Unfortunately I don't feel ready.
Looks like another few nights in this un-made bed. Don't worry though, I'll sort it before I get in again.

Meds are down but I missed breakfast.

A trip to the Hepworth gallery is on the cards for today; I nice walk to top it off.

Hope everybody is well.

"Not Slept Since Christmas"

Mobile blogging has inspired me to make more posts.
I found turning my net book on and off again all the time quite a tedious task.
Thank goodness digital technologies have become ubiquitous.

Just went for a wander around the war (yes I know its a bit late) and happened to run into a patient whose narcissisms are anything but subtle and he feeds on the ones who listen. I fell for it once, not again.
He is adamant that he hasn't slept since Christmas even though he sleeps all day long.
Funny bloke.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Bottropolis

My bottle collection has spiralled out of control somewhere along the way.

I'm determined to get them recycled.

At least most of them we're just water.

Test

Testing mobile blog

Time out off the ward

I've been off the ward twice today.

My parents came around 6 to take me out to McDonalds for my dinner.
Being a vegetarian my choice wasn't vast so I opted for a Spicy Veggie Deli wrap.
My dinner was nice and worth the funny feelings I was experiencing.

After I got back to the ward I had a very strange conversation about books with
a member of staff.
When I say books, I mean books in general not specific ones.
The general gist of the conversation was the staff members bewilderment at the
way I look after them.
She found it very difficult to understand why I remove the dust covers from books
when I read them (to preserve their quality) and that I always use a book mark and
never fold a corner over to mark my page.
It got to the point where she was asking other people how they go about book care
and we came to the conclusion that she has an unhealthy disrespect for her paper
bound friends.

Moving on....

After the strange conversation about books I decided it was a good time to have a
wander around the ward whilst listening to music.
My choice was 'Neighbourhoods' by Blink-182. I don't know if was due to today's mindset
but I found a strange narrative leading into a depth totally incomprehensible to man.

My friend on the ward gave me 'New Scientist' magazine which helped me to feel a little
better. It looks good but it'll have to wait until I've read 'The Little Book of String Theory.'



After my super music analysis I began to feel quite homesick; first time since I've been in.
I was upset and was eventually given every medication I'm written up for:

• Haloperidol (Anti-psychotic)
• Lorazapam (Sedative)
• Epilim Chrono (Epilepsy control and mood stabilizer)
• Seroquel (Anti-psychotic) 

And now here I am, laying on my bed in my room wondering about whether I'll be going
home tomorrow over night.

Suppose I'll journey into the depths of my brain to find some essay writing skills to
make an attempt at answering the next part of my Open University assessment.

Good night all and I'll write up in the morning.

I'm being neglected

They won't give me any medication....HOW DARE THEY?!

No really, it's not that bad but I could definitely use some right about now..
I'm having a pretty bad time with the voices I hear and the "delusional Ideas"
that I suffer with.

I guess things could be a lot worse; a lady on the ward has just been stood outside
my room crying constantly for almost 10 minutes. I don't mean to sound cold-hearted but after
having to endure it for this long (2 weeks) it gets to the point where empathy turns
to annoyance.

Here's a picture of the hospital complex where I'm currently staying.

I finished my book today (The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson)
Here's a picture of the cover, I highly recommend it.

I'm reading 'The Little Book of String-Theory" now. Hopefully I'll enjoy it
as much as the last book.

Again,

Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or get in touch.

A lengthy post I know - please accept my apology

Today has been productive so far; let me tell you about my day.

After getting myself ready, I took a walk over to the general hospital with a friend from the ward. The hospital is newly built and I must say; it's impressive.

The first feeling I got upon entering was that, which I get when first walking into an airport - lots of people, cafes, WHSmiths, restaurants and so on.- and I was quite releaved to be in a modern setting.
Mel wanted to buy a birthday card and a magazine so we went into WHSmiths first - I bought a packet of sweets.

My first encounter with Viz magazine was to follow and I am happy to say I was suitably impressed.

We sat down with a drink each and discussed the advantages of Cloud computing and I was happy to put forward my opinions.

After our drink we walked back over to the hospital in which we are admitted and had another drink in the cafe there; this time the coversation topics were focused around mental health and Dr. Freud.

Back to the ward. I decided to skip lunch and instead bury my nose in my book (I'll post about that later) and listen to Bach and The Smiths - a clash of genre I know.

This is a long post I know, I had to make notes before writing it

I understand this post is a little off the mental health side of things so I apologise for that. It is more appropriate to say it is based upon hospital life.

I wish you all the best

Morning

Well, 

I've had my medication & breakfast, now it's time to get myself ready.

I take Epilim Chrono and Sertraline on a morning. Epilim being a drug to help control

epilepsy and to stabilize moods, Sertraline an anti-depressant.

Plans for today:

1. Walk to cafe with a fellow patient
2. Finish reading my book (The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson)
3. Write more blog posts
4. Arrange for visitors to come
5. Work on my writing
6. Do a little of my university work

As you can see from the list above, life on a psychiatric ward is pretty easy if you

are able to suppress the illness side of things.

I'm happy that I've made a friend on the ward (I won't mention his name) as I have

somebody to discuss  medley of subjects with. 

I guess I'll leave things at that for now and write things as they happen later.

Thanks

First Post

Schizophrenia: The ramblings of an insane world

Hi,

I'm going to start by telling you what this blog is all about.
Basically, I suffer from two serious mental illnesses - Paranoid schizophrenia
& Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am currently spending my second week of a 5 week spell on a psychiatric ward
and I thought it might be a good idea to post about what happens here.
I'll start making regular posts tomorrow and hopefully find time to make 2 or 3 a
day so I can fit in as much detail in as possible.

I hope that people who suffer with mental illness or people who care for sufferers will
be able to read this and find comfort in knowing that hospitals aren't all straight-jackets and
padded cells like Hollywood shows.

Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and get in touch if you have any questions or subject
matter you would like me to cover.

No padded cells here.

All the best